Confused & Twenty

WOW, I am officially 23… I feel hella old. It just felt like I turned 22 just yesterday. This year has been a crazy ride, filled with tears, mixed emotions, instability and happiness of course. My life has been a roller coaster ride not to mention my hormones. Its like my life and my body are saying ALERT ALERT ALERT. Overall though I am thankful for what I have accomplished and have at this point in my life, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is a couple of things I still don’t quite know but I am sure 23 ME will figure it out.

To look at everything I have done this past year as 22, a third person would probably say; You have done so much , keep doing what you are doing. But then there is me, who is so judgemental to herself and dislikes how certain things turn out by getting desperate and stressed out over anything. Sometimes I wish I could see my life in a third persons lens so I could be less critical to myself. I am learning though and trying to grow but it’s hard.

As I mentioned in my first post when I started writing, ADULTHOOD is tough and takes a toll on you. WHOEVER said this SHIT is easy HA…… JOKES on them. But for those who feel like they are alone, don’t feel that way. I am literally in the exact same position as you are. If you do not believe me, well let me introduce you to adult HAZEL;

1. She is always tired
2. She never has enough time for anything
3. She never rests or has time to relax
4. She is getting old because she has back problems
5. She has to pay bills
6. She has to work like an adult not on scheduled basis
7. She is always annoyed and mad but feels anxious but doesn’t know if she has anxiety..
8. She has to think of a million things not only what she wants to think about
9. She has to find a job and a career basically get her life together before she gets to old according to society
10. She has to think of her relationship and how serious it is and basically act like a married couple but she is not married but doesn’t want to get married but does but then feels like there is so much on her plate that she just wants to give up and be SINGLE… but then she does not want to leave her adorable, amazing boyfriend…………

SEE. I mean the list goes on but these are just a couple of things I have in my mind everyday. And yes you might say well then why don’t you have time for yourself and enjoy life. I mean yes, I could do that but there is somethings on this list that I will always come upon, because that is simply being an adult. All I am saying and I should take this advice for myself is don’t over push yourself when you still have time. I know society and family can expect a lot of things but its okay to not have them at the moment. Time will tell what happens and this doesn’t mean you cannot go and keep pursuing what you want either career wise or personal but it just means to be happy with what you have and to be okay with not knowing what is going on. WE DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. YOU KNOW WHY? Because, you will figure it out as you keep pushing and making mistakes, experiencing new things and doing you.

SO for my birthday which is today if ya’ll weren’t aware. I want to make a promise for 23 year old me. STOP BEING HARD ON YOURSELF. ENJOY YOU AND KEEP GRINDING WITHOUT HAVING SUCH HIGH EXPECTATIONS THAT WILL GIVE YOU STRESS. I am already succesful I have a family, a job, and a boyfriend that loves me tremendesouly despite my crazy ass that he deals with.

Thank you. I am happy and not fully there yet if you all were wondering from my first post that I was so confused and did not know what I was doing in life, well I am still at the same spot but I am learning something new everyday. To express myself more and do things for myself instead for everyone else.

So, I do promise to be more active on here so I can express myself but also to do something I truly enjoy. That is my mission this year coming do things I wanna do. Hope ya’ll have a wonderful day and cuz it’s my birthday drink a shot in honor of becoming an adult and for my birthday of course!!!!

Adios mis amores ❤

Wow. When did I last visit my blog. I am not sure. Lots has changed in my life that keep me busy from writing. I started this blog to have something to do while I was looking for a job. A distraction. Or simply an occupation. I never thought I was going to start working a month after I started blogging. Turns out, I did get a job at a bank. Very fancy eh? Well kinda is kinda isn’t. I have a lot to do and a shit load of responsibility. Being a grown-up is hard. NO lie. To all those students or high school kids. Enjoy your freedom while it last. I sound like being an adult is torture, I mean it isn’t easy at first but I am guessing as you get the grind going and know what you are doing things get easier. Now I am just working from Monday to Friday, from 8:30-4:30. It’s pretty nice but tiring.

There is a lot to learn and do and not enough time to complete it. I also have an anxiety of doing things right the first time around and I’ve learned that in a job there is a learning process that you must go through in order to be able to handle everything that is coming your way.

I am doing better then when I started but I am still having a hard time to get into routine. I have a lot of stress surrounding me and I do not know how to handle it. IT’S OVERWHELMING. I have so much on my plate sometimes I feel like I need help or another person to do half of what I need to do. I am happy for having a job and have a consistent pay, but it comes with a price… STRESS, STRESS, and MORE STRESS.

It isn’t all bad, I have more flexibility with money now and can go shopping and not worry about paying bills. I think.. I am not sure but I think I am adjusting to a new chapter in my life. It is a big change and it’s my first full-time job. I am not loving it but I am living it. I believe it will get better but I need to relax and enjoy what life has given me.

I think I need to sit back and appreciate what I have accomplished and then keep moving forward with what I need to do.

I also need suggestions on how to relax LOL. My boyfriend says I worry and stress to much when I do not need to, which is also affecting our relationship. Surprisingly, we were fighting less when I was not working. Now that I am we fight so much to the point that I do not know what I want and come to the conclusion of leaving him.

But then I do not want that. SO I do not know what I want. This has all started since I started working. I am trying to figure out things and not come to a conclusion which is what I do for everything… Sorry if I got to deep, I kinda just ranted on about things.

Overall a lot is going on. More then I had anticipated. But to look at the positive things, I have a patient boyfriend, summer is on its way and I will be going away on vacation to Quebec City. So excited!!

If anyone has any tips on de-stressing send me a message, I will love to hear about them.

So it has been sometime since I’ve written anything. A lot has happened since my last post. I finished my contract at the place I was there for a week, luckily they extended my contract for another week so it was a total of two weeks. Now I’m currently at home looking for jobs once again and waiting for any contracts that may come my way.

It is a big change, for me as I was working Monday to Friday from 8:30-4:30 now I’m currently just sitting at home looking at a screen. It came to my mind how long I will be in this position of not having a permanent job. I have had offers but they weren’t what I was looking for, basically they aren’t fully permanent. But then i think if I made the right choice by not accepting them.

I’m not totally confused as I was in December but that worry of not having a full time permanent job does concern me. I do know what I wanna do but I don’t see it coming my way. A lot of my friends and family say keep grinding, and do what I’m currently doing. But sometimes I feel like I’m doing nothing.

Many of my friends are still in school and are like wow you really are getting into the business world and reaching out to jobs and I’m like bro, you don’t even know how hard it is. Lol. I sound like I’m dealing with a horrible situation in my life. It really isn’t horrible. But I want to succeed and never fall behind. That’s what i fear. To fall behind.

So yes I’m back to second thinking about my life, my career, my job. But there is something positive about this journey. And I know I’m only 22 just graduated… blah.. blah.. blah.. but it’s always good to want more and push yourself. So keep pushing and grinding. I’ll never stop saying those words.

So it’s been a couple of days since I have written about my opportunity I got for a week. So far it’s been pretty good, I never realized how boring it is to have a 8-4 job Monday to Friday. I mean it’s nice in the sense that I don’t work weekends and I have an hour lunch. But it’s really different then retail. I feel so grown. Overall it’s been a nice week, everyone is super friendly and welcoming. But what isn’t friendly or welcoming is the weather, it has been the worst weather this week. Snow, cold, and freezing rain. Like what more can come.

Today was the worst. It snowed 30cm and I had my driving test, that was another shit show. My boyfriends car broke down so I couldn’t go do my driving test in the first place and then the weather was hell. The rule is that you have to advise the driving center 48hrs before if you are going to cancel or I will get charged $50….. that’s pure crap, I mean what if your car broke down all of a sudden or you can’t make it. Anyways turns out due to the crazy weather, luckily my test got cancelled.

That was a relief. Now the other part is that I had to bus home and that was a big mess, all the sidewalks were filled with snow and there was no where to walk. Who needs the gym when you got a sidewalk covered in snow. It was crazy. I’m glad it’s not snowing tomorrow.

Anyways, it has been a pretty busy week and I hope to finish off on a good note. I can’t wait to see what next week brings me. Hopefully I complain less. I just realized how much I complained. See sometimes you want something so badly and once you have it your like damn this is way different then I thought. Well that’s basically life, life gives you something and then you end up not liking it but you got to do it anyways.

In my case, I would say that’s growing up and becoming an adult. So even though I am complaining about the snow and the job, somewhat… I appreciate it, and I’m thankful because this opens my doors to other opportunities where I can find something I truly enjoy to do. I’ll get there. I’m sure.

Thursday morning came, and I woke up with horrible cramp pains… it was that time, the time that you wish you could curl in a ball and just sleep all day. Well basically I did sleep all day, I tried to exercise but failed. I’m trying to stay in routine, as I am currently not working. But trust me it’s hard.

Who doesn’t want to just stay on their couch, watching Netflix, and eating. It’s a dream. But in reality it isn’t really an ideal routine. I mean every once in a while is good to relax and breath. But it’s important to always have a routine of getting up, eating healthy and being active. So, on this particular day I wasn’t feeling it. I sat on my couch for the whole day in pain, but positive pain if you want to call it.

I ate breakfast and started watching, Julie & Julia, a very exquisite and tasteful movie about the passion of cooking. As time went on, I received a phone call, from an agency that I have applied which gives you contracts to work either for a day or a year. I answered the phone and they informed me that there was a contract, for a week at an office. I thought great. I’ll take it. They said they would call me back to let me know whether I got the job.

Hours passed and I thought I wasn’t going to get the opportunity, turns out they did call me and I did get an opportunity to work there for a week. I know, you are probably thinking, just a week? Well a week, a day, a month.. it doesn’t matter, what matters is you succeeding and someone considering you for a position.

Every opportunity matters in life, never belittle an opportunity. It will come to use. So never say no, always say yes at your advantage. Obviously. So keep grinding (I’m trying my best to do so) and never give up, as all that hard work will repay you.

So wish me luck this week. Going to be working hard, answering phones and doing paper work. I actually can’t wait.

A cute, cozy cafe around the block from where I live, captured my eye as I was walking by Wellington street. It had a boho vibe with a welcoming ambiance, especially that it was utterly cold out. I walked in and ordered a London Fog with a chocolate chip cookie. As I sat there, I noticed the peacefulness of the place, it was capturing. It made me think of how small places like these can change the way you feel instantly. As customers came in and out of the cafe, finding the same comfort I was, I just sat there enjoying my Latte with a cookie.

A Small cafe always brings you inspiration and motivation to do things and think out of the box. They are also used for small gatherings or warming up from the stingy coldness of the outdoors. Everyone comes into a cafe with a different purpose, mine was to meet up with a good friend that I haven’t seen and distract myself from my dedication to finding a job. It’s always good to set your day to day routine aside and spend time with people that mean something to you and distract your mind, as it can help to have a fresh start the next day.

As I sat there talking for hours to my friend, catching up about our lives, relationships, and school I noticed how we have changed and how we have grown. The way we live our lives, our views, and our goals have changed to what we wanted in high school or at the start of university. With growth, there is change and new chapters. My new chapter is to grow and be strong, make connections, and believe in myself. My friend’s chapter, well… I am not sure, just yet. But she does.

Every chapter has importance whether you’re starting a relationship, moving out or graduating from University. It will change you, for the better. More success, opportunity, and love which is what we all need in life. So no one should feel like their chapter is less than or going nowhere. It will always go somewhere, just like life is always breezing through.

So… this cafe made me realize how new chapters are important and should be handled at ease. Yes. I said, at ease as it can be overwhelming to oneself when things are changing and you can’t control it. But it’s okay, life takes its course and always turns out great. Be positive, think positive, live positive.

And yes, the latte and my cookie were delicious. I recommend the cafe.

I just realized that my driving test is next week and in order to pass I have to know how to drive. You might think, well why is she doing her driving test if she doesn’t know how to drive. That’s silly. Actually I do know how to drive, I’m just simply LAZY.

Everyone in my family has been saying how I have to drive and how important it is, but I really don’t see the point, until it’s -30 and I have to go do my nails. There is always pros and cons to everything and sometimes you have to go with what actually is worth after a long period of time. In this case I have to step up my game and pass my driving test. Especially for my future in driving. See, everything we do now is for the future, driving, finance, career, relationships etc. It all starts here.

Everything I do and decide to do at this moment will either affect me once I’m old or come to an advantage. So in this case, I should drive and cut the bullshit of being lazy. In the long run I’ll definitely need it.

My life, in a nutshell, is me being twenty-two-years old, a woman, and a recent graduate from University. You might think I know exactly what I want in life and what I am going to do but actually, I have no idea. All I know is that I might stay working at a retail store forever, I mean there isn’t anything wrong with that but it isn’t what I want.

It’s harder than I thought to find what I want. When I first started applying for universities in grade 12 I thought being accepted was the ultimate goal in life, it is but it isn’t. There is so much more than that. Applications, loans, GPA, career choices, GROWING UP. It went by so fast, in a blink of an eye I was graduating, moving out, and turning twenty-two. A lot of things changed which I wasn’t ready for, and it is okay. I always thought to turn twenty was knowing everything in life and having everything, but the reality is when you are twenty you are just starting to learn how the world works and how you should work with the world.

Now that I live with my boyfriend and am currently unemployed, I have realised that there is so much for me to learn and to know about myself and what I want in life. It’s a new chapter that I am starting, I don’t know how I am going to start it or how it’s going to end, all I know is that I need to learn from it.

I hope by sharing my lifestyle as a twenty-two-year-old with the world, will bring positive vibes to any other person out there who just graduated, doesn’t have a job, and feels like they aren’t given an opportunity. I gotchu. I know how you feel you aren’t alone and you don’t need to have everything settled yet, I mean we are just in our twenties right!